Hey
everybody! It feels like it’s been forever since my last blog. But just know I’ve
been thinking about y’all, really! So, what’s been going on with me? In the
last few months I’ve been busting my chops preparing for my “new normal.” God
has been on an incredible move in my life and let me let yall in on something…it
scares me silly! Can I be real with y’all? Christians get scared! If there was
ever a time a Christian tells you there is no such thing as fear in being a
Christian or blasts you out because you voice your fears, kindly turn shut the
conversation down and walk away. Because that’s not the truth! The truth is
this…fear is real and felt among most! I know what the bible says concerning
fear, but I’m being realistically, humanly me!
Now in
saying that, know there is a HUGE difference between feeling and experiencing
fear and being captured prisoner by fear. God is with us through every emotion
we feel, including fear. He knows that we are humans with human emotions. That’s
why He made it a point to really focus on the elements of fear through the Old
and New testaments.
One key references that comes my mind is my biblical
mentor, Gideon. From the onset of God approaching him, Gideon feared. The way
he spoke, his thoughts, everything about him reeked of fear. But God in His
unconditional love and mercy, guided Gideon through his development of faith
and showed him who God made him to be, which ultimately lead to one of the
greatest victories in the Old Testament. You can read the story here.
So, I am taking one step at a time into this
new dimension God has prepared for me. I refuse to allow fear, my emotions,
sideline commentators, naysayers, toxic opinions/thoughts/people stand in my
way of what God has prepared for me long ago (Ephesians 2:10).
Okay,
before I go I’m sure y’all are wondering so what’s new that’s coming up that
has you all shaking in your boots? Well, glad you asked!! In TWO weeks, I’ll be
launching my website for my organization “Authentically Me” …I’m almost ready for first round
edits for my new book, and preparing for some AMAZING workshops next year!!
Of
course, there’s more, but you have to stay tuned, subscribe, follow, or do
whatever is necessary to keep up! I’ll be transitioning from Blogger to my new
website throughout this month. By the end of this month, I’ll hopefully be
fully over to the new site.
Don’t
worry…I’ll post a copy to the link! Y’all who follow me faithfully, just know
that means so much!!! You ladies and men (if you follow) ROCK!!! Okay time to
get ready for church!! SMOOCHES!!!
Oh my goodness yall, so this
blog is a combination of things…embarrassing, truthful, and enlightening. So,
here goes.
In many of my blogs, I share how
I grew up. I was very shy and withdrawn. A bit awkward and socially
handicapped. I loved spending time with myself rather than engaging in
conversations with others, although on the inside I yearned for friendships and
interaction. I slowly broke out of that shell as I grew older. Eventually, the
military helped shatter most those setbacks. But there were a few culprits that
chose to hang around and do some major damage in my life. Their names?
Insecurity and self-esteem. But I learned to hide them well. However, our actions
always tend to make liars out of the words we speak. Keep marinating
on that, you’ll catch it.
I encountered other women who
were confident and secure in their own rite. And every time I got around these
women I cringed on the outside, rolling my eyes, trying to one up them, or just
make them look bad. But on the inside, I struggled immensely. Questioned myself
as to why I couldn’t be as bold and confident as they were. Of course, I couldn’t
show this inner turmoil. Yet again, our actions always have a tendency of
making us into liars. And mine sure did!
There was one woman in
particular, who I nearly despised. I couldn’t stand to hear her name let alone
be in her presence. She had a bravado type vibe about her. Everything someone
did, she could do better. Every accomplishment someone earned, she could top
that. Everything was about competition. Everything was about notoriety. And
that burned me up! Sounds like I was hating, right? Well I was. Truth be told,
that’s all hating is…a big dose of insecurity and self-esteem issues rolled up
into negative comments and sideline commentating about someone else’s life.
Time went on and I grew more
negative towards her. I learned to put on my “hey girl” face (also known as two-faced) and suck my teeth when she
walked away. But this whole entire time, God was trying to show me something,
well a few things, about myself. And it took up to THIS point to see what those
things were. (and this point, I mean years later).
Sometimes who we think are
rivals are just instruments to bring out our truth. The truth was, I was
insecure. This woman was pretty, intelligent, and very confident. Whether she
wrestled with her own insecurities, I don’t know, pretty sure, but don’t know…but
God used her to show me how insecure I was in myself. I considered myself to be
pretty and intelligent and had the potential to be confident but I couldn’t see
that. From years of being hurt and validating someone else’s lies as truth in
my own life, what I saw about myself became distorted. Sure, I fronted well. I
knew how to act the part of a confident, independent woman. But I was far from
knowing what that entailed for me.
Here’s the thing ladies.
Sometimes rivals are necessary. True they can be frustrating and the situation
can be uncomfortable, but oftentimes rivals are key instruments for our growth.
If we allow, we can use these experiences as refining moments. In Lisa Bevere’s
book, “Without Rival” she says “Outward pressure works inward transformation.
Rivals reveal the destiny that God has prepared for us.” (Bevere, 2016).
If we want to grow into the
women God has created us to be and do “the creative best you can with your own
life” (Galatians 6:5, MSG) then we must be willing to become students of life
and learn well. Only then will we find fulfillment in our lives. We will be
able to gift another woman with being her authentic self through conflict and
rivalry. Blessings ladies!
Bevere, Lisa. (2016). Without
Rival. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell
Goods, check! Identity,
got it! Self-worth, in the bag! Character, bet! He has accomplished another
feat on his checklist, fulfilling himself, destroying your dignity, and moving
on to the next. See, he was looking for you and you fit the bill perfectly. You
were his homework, midterm, and final. His notes on you were meticulous, though
at times, it wasn’t hard to see what you were about. Like looking up into the
night sky to gaze at the stars, he discovered you. You walked with the
superficial display of “strong woman” …but you turned at every eye that caught
yours (craves attention). Your fresh knits clothed the inward beat downs you
gave yourself time and time again (low self-esteem). Shoe game was nothing but
the best. Hair was always laid by the best, you drove the best, you put your
best foot forward…in your world, nothing
but the best, right? And yet you gave yourself away like a discounted item on
the shelf waiting to be picked up. He caught you up with the slickest, most
perfect lines…you know the ones…those that caused you to melt like butter oozing
down a hot surface. He caught you up in his web because he knew he could.
Laughing on the inside, on the outside he showered you with constant
gratification. Before you ever realized what happened to you, you were sold…to
the lowest bidder. After playtime was over with you, he left you by the wayside
picking up the pieces to your broken life. You were left inwardly bruised,
tattered, and shattered. You moved on wondering how you ever ended up in a
situation like that…well, honey, it’s not like you made it hard for him to get
you!
I wrote
this in my journal some years ago. I was highly disgusted with my actions. But
what was funny though, was even then, I could see that something was wrong.
Yet, it took many more years to finally come to my senses. Ladies, please hear
me out. It doesn’t matter how you portray yourself, the truth of your actions
will ALWAYS tell on you. Your/our/my actions have a tendency of revealing the
real us. Kind of like that junk drawer we all have. If that drawer keeps
getting stuffed with junk, little by little, it’ll start bulge until it can’t
close anymore. Then the contents are exposed.
There is no
amount of make-up, vernacular, clothing, or anything external that will cover
up the turmoil internally. If you never learn who you are, you will continue to
get used up, abused, and broken. Try God at His word. He says we are His
masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). He said He is close to the brokenhearted and
rescues those whose spirits are crushed (Psalm 34:18). He is a restorer (2
Corinthians 5:17). The beautiful thing about God is when we bring our broken,
messy selves to Him, He will renew us and make us complete in Him (Colossians
2:10). We won’t need validation from men, sex, relationships, status, or any of
that stuff.
What have
you sacrificed in exchange for attention, love, respect, etc.? Well, it’s time
to reclaim all of that sister…because your value is priceless! Blessings!
The responses I received
were kind of what I expected, although some were made solely out of assumptions.
But that’s okay. I’m coming to a place in my life where I don’t see a need to
justify, argue with, or defend myself for MY truth.
With that being said, in
my last blog I mentioned that I would discuss how I was able to allow God and
counselors in on my healing process. It wasn’t easy. There were times when I
wanted to retreat back to what I knew. What seemed easy and less judgmental.
But somehow, I knew in my heart what I was doing was wrong. Just like that
smoker who knows all well the consequences of smoking, but she just has to have
it. That’s how I was. I felt the need to quiet the screams of my flesh by
enabling it with lustful desires.
But the beautiful thing
in all of this is that God doesn’t leave us to wallow in our mess. He always
provides a way out. I’ll say that again, because it’s the truth. He ALWAYS
provides a way for us to get out of our sin. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says “The temptations in your life are no different
from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the
temptation to be more than you can stand. When
you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure.” I
can raise my hands at the numerous times I’ve gotten myself into situations and
I saw a “door of opportunity” to walk right out of but instead I chose to stay.
Got burned every single time.
As I moved through the
healing/restoration process with God and counselors, I began to understand more
and more who I was. Now of course, healing didn’t come easy either. It took
years for me to get to a place where I could say that I was totally healed and
free.
And oh, how wonderful God
is…to speak to us through our love languages…the way He created us to express
and receive love…I don’t know if He does that for you, maybe it’s just me. One
of my love languages is words of
affirmation…and that’s how He speaks to me many times. But as He took me
through this journey, He showed me something in His word. Something that I
actually came across again today. He took me to 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. I almost
leapt from my sofa when I read it! It says, “Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy
Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself,
for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.”
Picture that beautiful
pair of shoes you buy a loved one. It cost a pretty penny for those shoes and
you want that loved one to have them, love them, and appreciate them. So, what
happens when you see that loved one stomping in the mud with those very shoes
on that you spent that pretty penny on? I’m quite sure you won’t be smiling and
it won’t be roses and daisies. There will be some words exchanged and a check
in the back of your mind that says “humph see if I EVER buy him/her ANYTHING
else!” That’s how most of us would be…or
is that just me…let me just raise my hand right on up, because I know it’s me.
See how belligerent we can get over something materialistic? Something
temporal? Well imagine how God feels every time we misuse and abuse ourselves,
our bodies, our existence which was bought not with money but with pure,
innocent blood? That realization you may be coming to from reading this is how
I felt. I was straight up disrespecting Jesus Christ by treating my body like
garbage.
Ladies listen, I could go
on and on with this for it is a topic near and dear to me. But please
understand this, we are worth more than the price we place on ourselves. We
must learn to get to a place where we recognize that and begin to live in that
knowledge. Not in all cases, but in some, we get what we put out. When we give
out mixed signals or signs of low self-esteem, no worth, no values, and
standards, that’s the treatment we will receive. Choose today to rise above
that and live in the knowledge of knowing that your life means so much that it
was bought…at all costs, the
highest cost. Be blessed sisters!
I’ve
honestly been wrestling with this topic. I’ve gone back and forth for a few
months now. But a recent conversation I had with one of my girlfriends pretty
much made it apparent that this topic needed to be discussed.
So
before I dive in, let me give a brief explanation, background, definition of
what the title of my blog means for those who may not know. A side chick is not
the main female in a relationship, but rather, she has chosen to take up
residence on the outside of a relationship. She, in her decisions, has chosen
to settle as second best, readily available goodies, a side piece. She has
lowered her standards at all costs for the justification of the thrill, attention,
love and affection, or whatever her motivation. She is also what is sometimes
referred to as a “homewrecker.”
Hebrews 13:4 (NLT) Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful
to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and
those who commit adultery.
How
do I know this? Because “she” was once me. I was the one settling as second
best. I was the side chick in my own relationships as well as in other
relationships. It was the thrill, at first, that kept me doing what I did. I
knew how to get in good enough to have my way with the gentleman of the “hour.”
I thought I was slick because no one knew what I was doing. My facade game was
pretty impressive. My best foot was always forward and I made sure to cover
every step. Even having encountered a few close calls, that didn’t stop me.
Over
and over I chose to violate other relationships, even as my own was being
violated by outsiders. This repetitious cycle was perpetuated by my malicious
behavior. But why? Why was the question. Why
was the question I even asked myself many times. I felt ashamed, disgusting,
and good for nothing. But along with those feelings, I also felt that what I
was doing could be justified. And as long as I had a justification, I kept at
it. But after a while, I became too comfortable in my sin…so comfortable until
I became numb. However, in my comfort, what I thought I had total control over,
I realized in that moment I had lost all grips of control and things went south
QUICK.
From
one single incident, I triggered a deep depression within myself. I almost lost everything at
the expense of my foolishness and flesh. By this time, I had enrolled myself
into a mental facility because I could no longer take the fact that I was no
longer in control and my hand had been exposed. My time was up and somebody was
calling my bluff. And aside from that, it was very obvious that I needed help!
Even
after having gone to counseling and therapy, I realized there was something
deeper inside me that was wrong. It just wasn’t right. Why had I made myself
okay with indulging my lustful desires with someone who didn’t belong to me?
Why had it become so easy for me to do that? Where did all of this come from? These
were a few of many questions I asked myself. I became physically sick on
several occasions as a result of my mess. And it was in this moment of my life
that I realized that this was beyond human assistance. I needed God’s
intervention. Because what I was doing, I wasn’t going to be able to stop on my
own. It literally took God to break me down to nothing in order to tear away
all of the facades, masks, pretense, and layers of filth I had cocooned myself
in. I thought I was going to lose it when I was faced with all of the pain I
had caused.But
God…His
grace was and is truly sufficient (2 Corinthians
12:9).
“He found me in my
mess…” ---Uncle Reese (Christian Recording Artist)
Through
the rededication of my life to Christ, counseling, transparency, vulnerability,
accountability, and integrity I was delivered. I was healed, restored, and made
whole into the woman God created me to be. Why did I choose to share this?
Certainly not because I want the whole world reading and knowing my business.
But because I know there are so many women out there who place themselves in
positions to be used up to nothing by men.
We
can’t necessarily fault the men when we say “why won’t men treat me right?” or “I’m
never going to find the right one” or whatever the case. However, we MUST understand
that WE
hold the keys! Yes, ladies, I’ll say that again, WE hold the keys! When we
give men the keys, you best believe he’s going to crank the car up and drive it
honey! Even in a committed relationship, some,
not all, men will NOT
pass up a piece of cookie.
For
the most part, we get what we put out. We set the standards to how we get
treated by men. When we don’t understand who we are and whose we are, we make
ourselves susceptible to any type of treatment. We may think it’s okay at first
to be that side chick because it’s fun, the thrill is exciting, we think we bad
and got it like that…but after a while all that stuff weighs on you. It’s not
worth it sis! It’s just not worth it. Get your own man. If you can’t get one
right now, then spend time with God. Allow Him to fill the void and heal the
tattered pieces of your soul.
As
I was going through counseling and seeking God, I discovered I was hurting.
Even though I projected an independent woman persona, I was weak and broken. I had
several unresolved issues from my childhood and a lot of narratives I had taken
on from other people and even myself. Now please hear me, I’m not BLAMING
my childhood or anyone for my actions because at the end of the day the
decisions were all mine. However, in learning these things helped me to open
myself up more to God and counselors in these areas. And how did I do that?
Well I think that will have to be saved for another blog post.
I
truly hope you who may be reading this got something out of it. We may see
songs or posts on social media about men having their side pieces and the woman
or women sitting there smiling and profiling like she’s the best. But please
understand that being the side piece is not cute nor does it demonstrate that
she has a good sense of her worth and value.
We
are God’s daughters. There were no mistakes when He created us. We each hold
inside of us the intricate beauty of our Father and the purpose of our
existence. When we make that discovery, our desires should be to safeguard it
with everything we got. To stand our ground in purity of our OWN relationship
or while we’re waiting.
I
want to encourage you sisters with this scripture that reassures me every
single time I start to doubt or have trouble believing…
1 Timothy 1:15-17 (NLT) This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of His great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in Him and receive eternal life. All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen One who never dies; He alone is God. Amen.”
Remember the game hide & seek? I sure do! Loved
it! A bunch of us kids would gather around and determine who was going to be “it.”
The person who was it had to count while everybody else hid. Once the person
finished counting and ran around and found someone, that person would now
become it. Get the concept? Or what about playing “pretend.” I used to love
playing that game with my sister. We’d gather up all of our dolls, well the
still functioning, put together ones, and we’d pretend. We would pretend we
were princesses, moms, teachers, whatever we wanted to be. Through those dolls,
we acted out or little imaginations.
So fast forward to today. Ladies, what’s going on?
We’re all grown up now. Why are we still playing hide & seek, but instead
of seeking out anybody, we’re just plain ol’ hiding. Hiding behind the make-up.
Hiding behind money, food, sex, relationship, and even church. We have failed
at the concept of hide & seek and mastered the art of “fakery.” And what
about the pretending? We’ve gone from our dolls acting out our dreams and
imaginations to us living in a made up world, or somebody else’s altogether. We
pretend we got our stuff together. We pretend that we are well-put together,
better than the next one, and so on and so on. We do this by trying to always
stay one step ahead of the game by always putting our best foot forward. In our
blurred and misconstrued views of what it means to live authentically, we’ve
lost touch with who we really are…by living as hypocrites.
The origin of the word hypocrite comes from the
Greek word “hypokrites.” It meant actor or stage player. This person played
the roles of multiple characters. As
time went on, hypocrite became associated with anyone who said one thing and
did/lived another. But here’s what happens when we become the hypocrite. Well
for one, we can’t be trusted and neither can our words and actions. And we hurt
ourselves. We do more of a disservice to ourselves when we choose to hide
behind pain, sin, church, relationships, unhealthy habits/addictions, etc.
Sisters, come close as I tell you and me this. This
life was crafted out for one only…YOU and ME. Though it’s nothing wrong with
taking tips and advice from others, it becomes a problem when we start to live
out and act out another person’s life. In Holley Gerth’s book, “You’re Already Amazing”
she says “God creates each of us to be uniquely who
we are---just like each part of the body is unique. We don’t need more than one
of a given body part. Nor would we want more than one.” She also says, “You’re
not only amazing. You’re enough. You’re beautiful. You’re wanted. You’re
chosen. You’re called. You’ve got what it takes…not just to survive but to
change the world.”
Did you
catch that girlfriend? We are not prototypes. We weren’t made to be copied. We
are unique. We are one of a kind. We are God’s masterpiece, created by His very
own hands to go out into the world and change it. So let’s do that. Put aside
the childish games and the hypocrite’s role and let’s live beautifully like the
women we were created to be! Blessings!
{This graphic I made just for YOU because you're #BeYOUtiful}
1 Corinthians
13:11 (NLT) When I was a child, I spoke and though and reasoned as a child. But
when I grew up, I put away childish things.
Ephesians
2:10 (NLT) For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ
Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.
Distract-
1. to cause (someone) to stop thinking about or paying attention to someone or
something and to think about or pay attention to someone or something else
instead. 2. To take (attention) away from someone or something.
I am almost positive that my attention span is along
the length of a five-year old’s. I can be set and focused on something and bam,
just like that, I’m looking at something else or fiddling with something else! And when it comes to my phone..see how my thumb is set up, it has a mind of its
own y’all. It really does. I’ll wake up first thing in the morning, take a few
minutes to get my mind right, and get ready to get out of my bed to go have my
quiet time with God. But if I forgot to turn off ALL social media apps the
night before and I see those little red notifications just waiting to be
opened, my thumb starts doing its own thing. The distraction is not my fault.
Okay, maybe it is to a degree. Okay, okay, it is my fault.
But of course when I thought about how easily it is
for me to become distracted, I also had this thought, distractions serve one
purpose: TO KNOCK YOU, ME, US OFF
COURSE! When we choose to take our focus off of what we’re doing or how we’re
living and peak into the lives of others, we make room for couple of things to
take place. I’m sure there’s more, but I’ll focus on two for now.
1. Discouragement~ We look at that chick
that has the body from the gods and the hair and face to match. Then we look
down at our reality…that little pooch that gently rounds our waists. Our hair
that is overdue for a professional touch. And those ever so stubborn breakouts
on our face. Almost instantly, the thoughts come in, “Dang, I wish I could look
like that!” Or “If I could only get rid of _______ (fill in the blank) I’ll be
good.” Or “Must be nice to have kids and still look like that!” And the
thoughts keep flooding in.
2. Disappointment~ We look at social media
at the accomplishments of others and then think over our lives and wonder why
we aren’t as far as that person or as far as we should be.
Psalm
1:1(NKJV) says, “Blessed is the man who walks not
in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sits in the
seat of the scornful.” I’m not saying all of who we see are sinful,
ungodly, or scornful. But what I am saying is that when we take our eyes off of
our own path and set them onto someone else’s, we open the door to
disappointment and discouragement.
#AuthenticMoment: When there’s no discipline and focus, distractions grow in strength and
power.
The second & third verses of that same chapter
(Psalm 1:2) says, “But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates
day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that
brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and
whatever he does shall prosper.”
I understand from time to time our attention will get
diverted to something or someone else. However, we have to be intentional not
to allow those distractions dictate how we carry on in our own lives. God
created every woman unique in her own way and right. We are gifted in so many
things and areas. But when we open the door to distraction, we shut out and
dull our potential. So girlfriend, turn off the apps, quit sulking over the
extra “love” around your waist, slap on a weave, extensions, or what suits you,
and keep moving in the uniqueness of your destiny.
