The Bags Gotta Go!!

I was exposed to sexual content at an early age.  I was verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abused by the adults in my life.  My earliest memory of being called stupid, ugly, and a no good was probably around the age of 6 or 7.  Nothing I did was ever good enough.  The attention I craved, I didn't get because the people around me didn't know how to give it.  As I grew up, I drifted in and out of relationships, desperately seeking someone to love me the way I deeply craved.  I allowed men to use me because I wanted that affection.  While all of this was going on on the outside, on the inside I collected tons of baggage and strongholds that were killing me.  I lived in the realm of deep fear of rejection.  It was difficult to think of myself in any other way other than what was already imprinted in my soul...that I was ugly, stupid and good for nothing.

I grew up into a young woman.  Becoming a mom at 19 to a man I only knew for 3 months.  I was scared to death.  How could I raise this child when I didn't know how to parent? I went back and forth with the idea of aborting the child.  But something just wouldn't allow me to do it.  So I gave birth to a little girl.  I discovered a love for her that was deeper than I had ever felt!  I wanted to protect her from everything I had ever experienced in my life.  Throughout me raising her, I slipped up and turned deeply back into sin.  I was in the Army.  I was married to my daughter’s father.  A broken woman, wife, mother, soldier, with a ton of baggage that was starting to wear me down. 

Years later, I divorced my daughter's father.  Went into a deep depression, and nearly lost everything.  I had always had a working knowledge of God because I grew up in church.  But this God I knew, I thought was so, so far away from me...and that He would never come to my rescue.  Why would He let me go through all of this?  I remember being in my apartment in 2010 crying out to Him.  Not only did He answer, but let me know He was always listening!  His love overwhelmed me but I still fought.  It felt foreign to be loved like this so I kept running.  Until 2013, when I couldn't run anymore.  God sought my heart and I gave it to Him.  I hope He knew what He was in for, lol!  But my God is big and mighty and can handle the worst of hearts! 

I presented Him with all of my baggage and I’m discovering there's more baggage I have to give to Him.  In my humility and great awe, I constantly humbly bow down to my Father and surrender all to Him.  I am here to tell you IT IS BECAUSE OF MY FATHER, GOD AND ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM that I am even able to sit at this computer and confidently share a part of my story. 

God has plans for those bags.  He says for us to come to Him all who are weary and heavy burdened and He will give us rest (Matthew 11:28).  He wants to share in our struggle.  Better yet, He wants to take ON our struggle.  We all have luggage, baggage, tough boxes full of stuff.  No matter what decisions we made in life, I encourage you to know that God knows and He loves you too much to let you walk out the rest of your life carrying those things.  Allow Him to take over those things that weigh you down so you can begin again in Him!  I pray my story encourages you because our story is really a part of HIS-STORY!  Be blessed!!

Don't Go Back to the Pit!!!

We used to go to the country side a lot in Florida.  Okay, I know what you’re thinking…what country in Florida?  But trust me, where I grew up, the country was never too far away.  The home we went to sat behind a corn field.  We always knew when we were close because of the ripe stench of poo in the air. Somehow we were related to the people whose house we went to…but at 10 years old, all of the details didn’t matter.  Just the fact that we were going to have some fun on a farm.  However, every time we’d go, somehow I’d always get put in charge of feeding the pigs.  Yuck!  Pigs, really?!  So I trudged out to the pig sty only to watch them wallow relentlessly in the mud.  It was like a competition to see who could get the dirtiest.  Then after wrestling around in the pit, the pigs would lay in satisfaction basking in swarming flies.  Ahh, good times.

1 John 1:9 But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

What brought that memory back to me was a thought I had a couple of days ago.  About how we as Christians, get cleaned up and brand new on the inside…but because of the familiarity of our sinful natures, sometimes we go wallowing back in the sty of sin.  I think sometimes being in the midst of our filth is more comfortable to us than the new, uncomfortable feeling of “living right.”  I mean, think of the pig…or let me use an example that many of us probably have seen…a dog.  When a dog gets washed, nice and clean, smelling fresh and good…what’s the first thing it runs for when released?  If outside, the dirt or grass.  Why?  Because that’s its nature.  That’s what it is used to.  Dirt.  Filth.

Jeremiah 33:8 (NLT) I will cleanse them of their sins against me and forgive all their sins of rebellion.

There were issues God revealed to me about my own ways.  My attitude.  My thoughts. Just filthy.  Okay, not in “that” way but filthy as in “nice nasty.”  I’d cut a person into shards without them even knowing it.  Here’s the kicker, just because a sin isn’t known publically, doesn’t mean it’s not known in secret…because of course God knows all.  And here it was, I didn’t WANT to get rid of my attitude.  I didn’t FEEL that my thoughts hurt anyone.  Oh how I was wrong.  Because see every time I chose sin over God, I put more distance between He and I.

2 Peter 1:9 (NCV) But anyone who does not have these things cannot see clearly.  He is blind and has forgotten that he was made clean from his past sins.

By nature we are ALL sinners.  Daily we have to fight to maintain our salvation and deliverance.  That’s what the Apostle Paul makes clear in Galatians 5:16-17.  There will ALWAYS be a struggle between our old and new selves.  However, there is a difference between that and WILLFULLY returning to our sinful natures…or “the pig sty.”

Galatians 5:17(NLT) The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants.  And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires.  These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.

This is the bottom line…nothing is hidden from God.  We all have to fight daily to not return to the sty of sin.  Temptations come and will continue to come.  People will work our nerves.  Situations will flop.  We will get disappointed.  The list goes on and on.  In all of that, we STILL have the choice to decide what we choose…to maintain our salvation OR return to the pit.

Which will you choose?