Is She Really Your Rival, Or Are You Just Insecure?

{Free graphic for you!}

Oh my goodness yall, so this blog is a combination of things…embarrassing, truthful, and enlightening. So, here goes.

In many of my blogs, I share how I grew up. I was very shy and withdrawn. A bit awkward and socially handicapped. I loved spending time with myself rather than engaging in conversations with others, although on the inside I yearned for friendships and interaction. I slowly broke out of that shell as I grew older. Eventually, the military helped shatter most those setbacks. But there were a few culprits that chose to hang around and do some major damage in my life. Their names? Insecurity and self-esteem. But I learned to hide them well. However, our actions always tend to make liars out of the words we speak. Keep marinating on that, you’ll catch it.

I encountered other women who were confident and secure in their own rite. And every time I got around these women I cringed on the outside, rolling my eyes, trying to one up them, or just make them look bad. But on the inside, I struggled immensely. Questioned myself as to why I couldn’t be as bold and confident as they were. Of course, I couldn’t show this inner turmoil. Yet again, our actions always have a tendency of making us into liars. And mine sure did!

There was one woman in particular, who I nearly despised. I couldn’t stand to hear her name let alone be in her presence. She had a bravado type vibe about her. Everything someone did, she could do better. Every accomplishment someone earned, she could top that. Everything was about competition. Everything was about notoriety. And that burned me up! Sounds like I was hating, right? Well I was. Truth be told, that’s all hating is…a big dose of insecurity and self-esteem issues rolled up into negative comments and sideline commentating about someone else’s life.

Time went on and I grew more negative towards her. I learned to put on my “hey girl” face (also known as two-faced) and suck my teeth when she walked away. But this whole entire time, God was trying to show me something, well a few things, about myself. And it took up to THIS point to see what those things were. (and this point, I mean years later).

Sometimes who we think are rivals are just instruments to bring out our truth. The truth was, I was insecure. This woman was pretty, intelligent, and very confident. Whether she wrestled with her own insecurities, I don’t know, pretty sure, but don’t know…but God used her to show me how insecure I was in myself. I considered myself to be pretty and intelligent and had the potential to be confident but I couldn’t see that. From years of being hurt and validating someone else’s lies as truth in my own life, what I saw about myself became distorted. Sure, I fronted well. I knew how to act the part of a confident, independent woman. But I was far from knowing what that entailed for me.

Here’s the thing ladies. Sometimes rivals are necessary. True they can be frustrating and the situation can be uncomfortable, but oftentimes rivals are key instruments for our growth. If we allow, we can use these experiences as refining moments. In Lisa Bevere’s book, “Without Rival” she says “Outward pressure works inward transformation. Rivals reveal the destiny that God has prepared for us.” (Bevere, 2016).

If we want to grow into the women God has created us to be and do “the creative best you can with your own life” (Galatians 6:5, MSG) then we must be willing to become students of life and learn well. Only then will we find fulfillment in our lives. We will be able to gift another woman with being her authentic self through conflict and rivalry. Blessings ladies!

Bevere, Lisa. (2016). Without Rival. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell

What You Give Away, He Will Surely Take!

{for you: free graphic}

Goods, check! Identity, got it! Self-worth, in the bag! Character, bet! He has accomplished another feat on his checklist, fulfilling himself, destroying your dignity, and moving on to the next. See, he was looking for you and you fit the bill perfectly. You were his homework, midterm, and final. His notes on you were meticulous, though at times, it wasn’t hard to see what you were about. Like looking up into the night sky to gaze at the stars, he discovered you. You walked with the superficial display of “strong woman” …but you turned at every eye that caught yours (craves attention). Your fresh knits clothed the inward beat downs you gave yourself time and time again (low self-esteem). Shoe game was nothing but the best. Hair was always laid by the best, you drove the best, you put your best foot forward… in your world, nothing but the best, right? And yet you gave yourself away like a discounted item on the shelf waiting to be picked up. He caught you up with the slickest, most perfect lines…you know the ones…those that caused you to melt like butter oozing down a hot surface. He caught you up in his web because he knew he could. Laughing on the inside, on the outside he showered you with constant gratification. Before you ever realized what happened to you, you were sold…to the lowest bidder. After playtime was over with you, he left you by the wayside picking up the pieces to your broken life. You were left inwardly bruised, tattered, and shattered. You moved on wondering how you ever ended up in a situation like that…well, honey, it’s not like you made it hard for him to get you!

I wrote this in my journal some years ago. I was highly disgusted with my actions. But what was funny though, was even then, I could see that something was wrong. Yet, it took many more years to finally come to my senses. Ladies, please hear me out. It doesn’t matter how you portray yourself, the truth of your actions will ALWAYS tell on you. Your/our/my actions have a tendency of revealing the real us. Kind of like that junk drawer we all have. If that drawer keeps getting stuffed with junk, little by little, it’ll start bulge until it can’t close anymore. Then the contents are exposed.

There is no amount of make-up, vernacular, clothing, or anything external that will cover up the turmoil internally. If you never learn who you are, you will continue to get used up, abused, and broken. Try God at His word. He says we are His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). He said He is close to the brokenhearted and rescues those whose spirits are crushed (Psalm 34:18). He is a restorer (2 Corinthians 5:17). The beautiful thing about God is when we bring our broken, messy selves to Him, He will renew us and make us complete in Him (Colossians 2:10). We won’t need validation from men, sex, relationships, status, or any of that stuff.

What have you sacrificed in exchange for attention, love, respect, etc.? Well, it’s time to reclaim all of that sister…because your value is priceless! Blessings!