At All Costs...The Highest Cost!

Photo Credit: Roger Coles

So, a couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog about “the side chick.” If you missed out, you can read it here.

The responses I received were kind of what I expected, although some were made solely out of assumptions. But that’s okay. I’m coming to a place in my life where I don’t see a need to justify, argue with, or defend myself for MY truth.

With that being said, in my last blog I mentioned that I would discuss how I was able to allow God and counselors in on my healing process. It wasn’t easy. There were times when I wanted to retreat back to what I knew. What seemed easy and less judgmental. But somehow, I knew in my heart what I was doing was wrong. Just like that smoker who knows all well the consequences of smoking, but she just has to have it. That’s how I was. I felt the need to quiet the screams of my flesh by enabling it with lustful desires.

But the beautiful thing in all of this is that God doesn’t leave us to wallow in our mess. He always provides a way out. I’ll say that again, because it’s the truth. He ALWAYS provides a way for us to get out of our sin. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure.” I can raise my hands at the numerous times I’ve gotten myself into situations and I saw a “door of opportunity” to walk right out of but instead I chose to stay. Got burned every single time.

As I moved through the healing/restoration process with God and counselors, I began to understand more and more who I was. Now of course, healing didn’t come easy either. It took years for me to get to a place where I could say that I was totally healed and free.

And oh, how wonderful God is…to speak to us through our love languages…the way He created us to express and receive love…I don’t know if He does that for you, maybe it’s just me. One of my love languages is words of affirmation…and that’s how He speaks to me many times. But as He took me through this journey, He showed me something in His word. Something that I actually came across again today. He took me to 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. I almost leapt from my sofa when I read it! It says, “Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.”

Picture that beautiful pair of shoes you buy a loved one. It cost a pretty penny for those shoes and you want that loved one to have them, love them, and appreciate them. So, what happens when you see that loved one stomping in the mud with those very shoes on that you spent that pretty penny on? I’m quite sure you won’t be smiling and it won’t be roses and daisies. There will be some words exchanged and a check in the back of your mind that says “humph see if I EVER buy him/her ANYTHING else!”  That’s how most of us would be…or is that just me…let me just raise my hand right on up, because I know it’s me. See how belligerent we can get over something materialistic? Something temporal? Well imagine how God feels every time we misuse and abuse ourselves, our bodies, our existence which was bought not with money but with pure, innocent blood? That realization you may be coming to from reading this is how I felt. I was straight up disrespecting Jesus Christ by treating my body like garbage.

Ladies listen, I could go on and on with this for it is a topic near and dear to me. But please understand this, we are worth more than the price we place on ourselves. We must learn to get to a place where we recognize that and begin to live in that knowledge. Not in all cases, but in some, we get what we put out. When we give out mixed signals or signs of low self-esteem, no worth, no values, and standards, that’s the treatment we will receive. Choose today to rise above that and live in the knowledge of knowing that your life means so much that it was bought…at all costs, the highest cost. Be blessed sisters!

Me :) 

The Side Chick...

I’ve honestly been wrestling with this topic. I’ve gone back and forth for a few months now. But a recent conversation I had with one of my girlfriends pretty much made it apparent that this topic needed to be discussed.

So before I dive in, let me give a brief explanation, background, definition of what the title of my blog means for those who may not know. A side chick is not the main female in a relationship, but rather, she has chosen to take up residence on the outside of a relationship. She, in her decisions, has chosen to settle as second best, readily available goodies, a side piece. She has lowered her standards at all costs for the justification of the thrill, attention, love and affection, or whatever her motivation. She is also what is sometimes referred to as a “homewrecker.”

Hebrews 13:4 (NLT) Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

How do I know this? Because “she” was once me. I was the one settling as second best. I was the side chick in my own relationships as well as in other relationships. It was the thrill, at first, that kept me doing what I did. I knew how to get in good enough to have my way with the gentleman of the “hour.” I thought I was slick because no one knew what I was doing. My facade game was pretty impressive. My best foot was always forward and I made sure to cover every step. Even having encountered a few close calls, that didn’t stop me.

Over and over I chose to violate other relationships, even as my own was being violated by outsiders. This repetitious cycle was perpetuated by my malicious behavior. But why? Why was the question. Why was the question I even asked myself many times. I felt ashamed, disgusting, and good for nothing. But along with those feelings, I also felt that what I was doing could be justified. And as long as I had a justification, I kept at it. But after a while, I became too comfortable in my sin…so comfortable until I became numb. However, in my comfort, what I thought I had total control over, I realized in that moment I had lost all grips of control and things went south QUICK.

From one single incident, I triggered a deep depression within myself. I almost lost everything at the expense of my foolishness and flesh. By this time, I had enrolled myself into a mental facility because I could no longer take the fact that I was no longer in control and my hand had been exposed. My time was up and somebody was calling my bluff. And aside from that, it was very obvious that I needed help!

Even after having gone to counseling and therapy, I realized there was something deeper inside me that was wrong. It just wasn’t right. Why had I made myself okay with indulging my lustful desires with someone who didn’t belong to me? Why had it become so easy for me to do that? Where did all of this come from? These were a few of many questions I asked myself. I became physically sick on several occasions as a result of my mess. And it was in this moment of my life that I realized that this was beyond human assistance. I needed God’s intervention. Because what I was doing, I wasn’t going to be able to stop on my own. It literally took God to break me down to nothing in order to tear away all of the facades, masks, pretense, and layers of filth I had cocooned myself in. I thought I was going to lose it when I was faced with all of the pain I had caused. But God…His grace was and is truly sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

“He found me in my mess…” ---Uncle Reese (Christian Recording Artist)

Through the rededication of my life to Christ, counseling, transparency, vulnerability, accountability, and integrity I was delivered. I was healed, restored, and made whole into the woman God created me to be. Why did I choose to share this? Certainly not because I want the whole world reading and knowing my business. But because I know there are so many women out there who place themselves in positions to be used up to nothing by men.

We can’t necessarily fault the men when we say “why won’t men treat me right?” or “I’m never going to find the right one” or whatever the case. However, we MUST understand that WE hold the keys! Yes, ladies, I’ll say that again, WE hold the keys! When we give men the keys, you best believe he’s going to crank the car up and drive it honey! Even in a committed relationship, some, not all, men will NOT pass up a piece of cookie.

For the most part, we get what we put out. We set the standards to how we get treated by men. When we don’t understand who we are and whose we are, we make ourselves susceptible to any type of treatment. We may think it’s okay at first to be that side chick because it’s fun, the thrill is exciting, we think we bad and got it like that…but after a while all that stuff weighs on you. It’s not worth it sis! It’s just not worth it. Get your own man. If you can’t get one right now, then spend time with God. Allow Him to fill the void and heal the tattered pieces of your soul.

As I was going through counseling and seeking God, I discovered I was hurting. Even though I projected an independent woman persona, I was weak and broken. I had several unresolved issues from my childhood and a lot of narratives I had taken on from other people and even myself. Now please hear me, I’m not BLAMING my childhood or anyone for my actions because at the end of the day the decisions were all mine. However, in learning these things helped me to open myself up more to God and counselors in these areas. And how did I do that? Well I think that will have to be saved for another blog post.

            I truly hope you who may be reading this got something out of it. We may see songs or posts on social media about men having their side pieces and the woman or women sitting there smiling and profiling like she’s the best. But please understand that being the side piece is not cute nor does it demonstrate that she has a good sense of her worth and value.

We are God’s daughters. There were no mistakes when He created us. We each hold inside of us the intricate beauty of our Father and the purpose of our existence. When we make that discovery, our desires should be to safeguard it with everything we got. To stand our ground in purity of our OWN relationship or while we’re waiting.

I want to encourage you sisters with this scripture that reassures me every single time I start to doubt or have trouble believing…

1 Timothy 1:15-17 (NLT) This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of His great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in Him and receive eternal life. All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen One who never dies; He alone is God. Amen.”

Hide & Seek or The Pretender? Which One?

Photo Credit: Rand Eastwood

Remember the game hide & seek? I sure do! Loved it! A bunch of us kids would gather around and determine who was going to be “it.” The person who was it had to count while everybody else hid. Once the person finished counting and ran around and found someone, that person would now become it. Get the concept? Or what about playing “pretend.” I used to love playing that game with my sister. We’d gather up all of our dolls, well the still functioning, put together ones, and we’d pretend. We would pretend we were princesses, moms, teachers, whatever we wanted to be. Through those dolls, we acted out or little imaginations.

So fast forward to today. Ladies, what’s going on? We’re all grown up now. Why are we still playing hide & seek, but instead of seeking out anybody, we’re just plain ol’ hiding. Hiding behind the make-up. Hiding behind money, food, sex, relationship, and even church. We have failed at the concept of hide & seek and mastered the art of “fakery.” And what about the pretending? We’ve gone from our dolls acting out our dreams and imaginations to us living in a made up world, or somebody else’s altogether. We pretend we got our stuff together. We pretend that we are well-put together, better than the next one, and so on and so on. We do this by trying to always stay one step ahead of the game by always putting our best foot forward. In our blurred and misconstrued views of what it means to live authentically, we’ve lost touch with who we really are…by living as hypocrites.

The origin of the word hypocrite comes from the Greek word “hypokrites.” It meant actor or stage player. This person played the roles of multiple characters.  As time went on, hypocrite became associated with anyone who said one thing and did/lived another. But here’s what happens when we become the hypocrite. Well for one, we can’t be trusted and neither can our words and actions. And we hurt ourselves. We do more of a disservice to ourselves when we choose to hide behind pain, sin, church, relationships, unhealthy habits/addictions, etc.

Sisters, come close as I tell you and me this. This life was crafted out for one only…YOU and ME. Though it’s nothing wrong with taking tips and advice from others, it becomes a problem when we start to live out and act out another person’s life. In Holley Gerth’s book, “You’re Already Amazing” she says “God creates each of us to be uniquely who we are---just like each part of the body is unique. We don’t need more than one of a given body part. Nor would we want more than one.” She also says, “You’re not only amazing. You’re enough. You’re beautiful. You’re wanted. You’re chosen. You’re called. You’ve got what it takes…not just to survive but to change the world.” 

Did you catch that girlfriend? We are not prototypes. We weren’t made to be copied. We are unique. We are one of a kind. We are God’s masterpiece, created by His very own hands to go out into the world and change it. So let’s do that. Put aside the childish games and the hypocrite’s role and let’s live beautifully like the women we were created to be! Blessings!

{This graphic I made just for YOU because you're #BeYOUtiful}

1 Corinthians 13:11 (NLT) When I was a child, I spoke and though and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.

Ephesians 2:10 (NLT) For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.