The Side Chick...

I’ve honestly been wrestling with this topic. I’ve gone back and forth for a few months now. But a recent conversation I had with one of my girlfriends pretty much made it apparent that this topic needed to be discussed.

So before I dive in, let me give a brief explanation, background, definition of what the title of my blog means for those who may not know. A side chick is not the main female in a relationship, but rather, she has chosen to take up residence on the outside of a relationship. She, in her decisions, has chosen to settle as second best, readily available goodies, a side piece. She has lowered her standards at all costs for the justification of the thrill, attention, love and affection, or whatever her motivation. She is also what is sometimes referred to as a “homewrecker.”

Hebrews 13:4 (NLT) Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

How do I know this? Because “she” was once me. I was the one settling as second best. I was the side chick in my own relationships as well as in other relationships. It was the thrill, at first, that kept me doing what I did. I knew how to get in good enough to have my way with the gentleman of the “hour.” I thought I was slick because no one knew what I was doing. My facade game was pretty impressive. My best foot was always forward and I made sure to cover every step. Even having encountered a few close calls, that didn’t stop me.

Over and over I chose to violate other relationships, even as my own was being violated by outsiders. This repetitious cycle was perpetuated by my malicious behavior. But why? Why was the question. Why was the question I even asked myself many times. I felt ashamed, disgusting, and good for nothing. But along with those feelings, I also felt that what I was doing could be justified. And as long as I had a justification, I kept at it. But after a while, I became too comfortable in my sin…so comfortable until I became numb. However, in my comfort, what I thought I had total control over, I realized in that moment I had lost all grips of control and things went south QUICK.

From one single incident, I triggered a deep depression within myself. I almost lost everything at the expense of my foolishness and flesh. By this time, I had enrolled myself into a mental facility because I could no longer take the fact that I was no longer in control and my hand had been exposed. My time was up and somebody was calling my bluff. And aside from that, it was very obvious that I needed help!

Even after having gone to counseling and therapy, I realized there was something deeper inside me that was wrong. It just wasn’t right. Why had I made myself okay with indulging my lustful desires with someone who didn’t belong to me? Why had it become so easy for me to do that? Where did all of this come from? These were a few of many questions I asked myself. I became physically sick on several occasions as a result of my mess. And it was in this moment of my life that I realized that this was beyond human assistance. I needed God’s intervention. Because what I was doing, I wasn’t going to be able to stop on my own. It literally took God to break me down to nothing in order to tear away all of the facades, masks, pretense, and layers of filth I had cocooned myself in. I thought I was going to lose it when I was faced with all of the pain I had caused. But God…His grace was and is truly sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

“He found me in my mess…” ---Uncle Reese (Christian Recording Artist)

Through the rededication of my life to Christ, counseling, transparency, vulnerability, accountability, and integrity I was delivered. I was healed, restored, and made whole into the woman God created me to be. Why did I choose to share this? Certainly not because I want the whole world reading and knowing my business. But because I know there are so many women out there who place themselves in positions to be used up to nothing by men.

We can’t necessarily fault the men when we say “why won’t men treat me right?” or “I’m never going to find the right one” or whatever the case. However, we MUST understand that WE hold the keys! Yes, ladies, I’ll say that again, WE hold the keys! When we give men the keys, you best believe he’s going to crank the car up and drive it honey! Even in a committed relationship, some, not all, men will NOT pass up a piece of cookie.

For the most part, we get what we put out. We set the standards to how we get treated by men. When we don’t understand who we are and whose we are, we make ourselves susceptible to any type of treatment. We may think it’s okay at first to be that side chick because it’s fun, the thrill is exciting, we think we bad and got it like that…but after a while all that stuff weighs on you. It’s not worth it sis! It’s just not worth it. Get your own man. If you can’t get one right now, then spend time with God. Allow Him to fill the void and heal the tattered pieces of your soul.

As I was going through counseling and seeking God, I discovered I was hurting. Even though I projected an independent woman persona, I was weak and broken. I had several unresolved issues from my childhood and a lot of narratives I had taken on from other people and even myself. Now please hear me, I’m not BLAMING my childhood or anyone for my actions because at the end of the day the decisions were all mine. However, in learning these things helped me to open myself up more to God and counselors in these areas. And how did I do that? Well I think that will have to be saved for another blog post.

            I truly hope you who may be reading this got something out of it. We may see songs or posts on social media about men having their side pieces and the woman or women sitting there smiling and profiling like she’s the best. But please understand that being the side piece is not cute nor does it demonstrate that she has a good sense of her worth and value.

We are God’s daughters. There were no mistakes when He created us. We each hold inside of us the intricate beauty of our Father and the purpose of our existence. When we make that discovery, our desires should be to safeguard it with everything we got. To stand our ground in purity of our OWN relationship or while we’re waiting.

I want to encourage you sisters with this scripture that reassures me every single time I start to doubt or have trouble believing…

1 Timothy 1:15-17 (NLT) This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of His great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in Him and receive eternal life. All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen One who never dies; He alone is God. Amen.”