A Letter to my dad...

Dad,
It's funny to hear (see) myself say that word. Funny because I never got the opportunity to call you or any man that in my life that. There are so many things I use to ask myself. What did I do? Why doesn't he want to be in my life? Does he love me? Does he care for me? I felt abandoned. Rejected. Neglected. Unloved. I carried those painful bags with me throughout my life. I grew up into a messy woman, even had the nerve to have kids of my own...two daughters.

As they grew, I looked at their relationship with their father. I smiled and my heart warmed. Because I got to and get to experience through them, just a little bit, of what it must feel like to have strong arms wrap you close and protect you. The extinction of fear at the onset of his presence. The overwhelming excitement of seeing him walk through the door. The delightful smile across his face when he sees you. The blessings of the life-giving words he plants into your spirit. The foundation he builds up strong for you, showing you how a man is to treat a woman, how a father is to set aside his wants and desires because it's not about him anymore. I get to experience that through my girls. Their father dances with them, plays with them, encourages, esteems, and affirms them. He shows them what selfless love looks like.

You know, dad, I never hated you. But I did grow numb towards you. I know the missing imprint of your impression in my life, greatly affected it. I wandered aimlessly from man to man searching for that protection and covering that I desperately needed. I got hurt. Sometimes really bad. My heart was broken. But you know what? I can't and won't fault you. Don't get me wrong...it took many years for me to get to where I can say those words.

Once I sought a beautiful relationship with my Heavenly Father, He began filling those holes. He loved me seflessly and unconditionally. He wrapped me in His arms. Not only did He fill your place, but He showed me something spectacular. He showed me that what a person doesn't have they can't give. He showed me that though you could've made efforts to be present in my life, you were a broken man. You wandered and lived how you knew to. God guided me through the process of forgiving you. Because I am a grown woman now, with daughters of my own. He was showing me that in order to move forward in Him and be effective for my girls, I would have to hand this painful burden over to Him. And I did.

I started praying for you. I prayed for your soul, your heart, your life. I prayed that even if I never got the chance to establish a relationship with you, that you would establish one with God. I was even "bold or crazy" enough to pray that God would open the door for us to connect. Several months later, my Father honored my request by putting me on your heart. You called me. I heard your voice in the other end of my phone. I'll admit it was terribly awkward talking to you, but it warmed me also.

I have so much more to say but I won't draw this out further...but please understand this...I don't hold nothing against you. I have given all of those painful stingers to God. He caught every hot year I cried concerning you. Though you and I may not develop the relationship I needed in my childhood, I am willing to develop one with you now. You have two beautiful granddaughters who has never seen your face. I am willing to move forward with you because of them. I pray God blesses you...Happy Father's Day. ----Your daughter, Lucrecia

Men: Your very presence in your child's life has a GREAT impact on the trajectory of the rest of their lives. It's not about nor should it be about the woman taking on the role of two people. She can't and never will be able to fit those shoes. There are specific seeds that God placed inside of you that ONLY you can deposit into your sons and daughters. You are their covering. Their protector.  Their teacher. For the girls, their first example of what a good man looks like and how he is to treat her. For the boys, their first example of what a good man looks like and how he is to treat a woman. Father's day isn't to be celebrated just today but everyday. Don't just check in on your child when it's suitable for you...but choose not to ever check out! To all fathers, biological or not, we esteem and applaud you today. May this be a day that impresses on your heart the vital importance of your presence in your child's life. Happy Father's Day!!

Measuring by Social Media...

My daughter is 15 years old, soon to be “sweet” 16 this year. When she first hit her teenage years, I started sweating. Well, I was actually sweating when she was nearing her teenage years. I mentally prepared myself for the altercations, “those” conversations, the crushes, and so forth.

All the preparing in the world doesn’t get us ready for the roller coaster ride our kids get ready to get on when they enter their teenage years.

It didn’t help that I had nothing from my own upbringing to fall back on, since it was extremely dysfunctional. I took what I wanted and needed my mom to do and how I wanted and needed her to treat me and poured that into my daughter. Boy was I in for it. Throughout middle school, I had to learn her.

And oh yes, parents, we HAVE to learn our children. As they grow, they change, they evolve. And we must do the same with them.

 At first, I came off way too strong and tried to keep her locked up. But I thought to myself, “Not only am I becoming my mom but I’m creating a mini-me.” Because when my mom would lock the ball and chain around my ankle, I learned the craft of sneaking. Oh, was I good at it. I digress. I had to re-calibrate and look at things from a different perspective. Once I lightened up and approached my daughter with openness and care for her, she responded well.

We had conversations all the time…random, serious, about life, boys, peer pressure, social media, etc. At one point, I gave her permission to have a Facebook account. My husband and I agreed to give her a test run with it to see how she would do. It wasn’t long before she proved us both right, she wasn’t ready. She got tangled up in back and forth cyber fights with other girls, bullied, and even threatened (which lead to a couple meetings with the principal/vice principal of the school). It was then I had to really hone in on the seriousness of social media. I explained to my daughter it wasn’t that I was trying to make her life miserable but there were and are repercussions that comes from having social media accounts, the biggest ones---peer pressure and bullying.

Of course, that went in one ear and out of the other because all she saw were her friends all around her with the latest iPhones and talking about the latest hype on social media. Then she started to see it…and get it. She started to see the influx of teenage girls being cyber-bullied and committing suicide off of it. The incident that struck home was when a fellow student committed suicide. She felt numb. “Mom, how? How can somebody kill themselves over what somebody posts on the internet? Why can’t they just ignore the comments?” Though I wish I had an easy explanation for her, I didn’t. What I told her is what I’m going to tell you…mother, parent, or student reading this.

Cyber bullying has way more consequences than just being bullied face to face. Once a picture or a comment is posted online, it’s there forever. Like wildfire, in the right hands it quickly spreads. And if that’s not enough, here are some FACTS*:

§  **Over half of adolescents and teens have been bullied online, and about half the same numbers have engaged in cyber bullying.

§  **More than 1 in 3 young people have experienced cyberthreats online.

§  **Over 25 percent of adolescents and teens have been bullied repeatedly through their cell phone or the Internet.

§  **Well over half the young people do not tell their parents when cyber bullying occurs.

§  **About 1 in 5 teens have posted or sent sexually suggestive or nude pictures of themselves to others.

§  **20 percent of kids cyberbullied think about suicide, and 1 in 10 attempt it.

There are a host of other stats to post, but I’m pretty sure I’m making my point clear. As parents, no we won’t be able to dabble in our children’s lives 24/7, nor should we try to. They are growing individuals learning who they are in this big world. However, it is so important that we just don’t leave them by the wayside to fend for themselves.

While some teens are good at masking emotions, others aren’t. Or they drop subliminal messages. We have to be on our guard to hone in on those queues. A recent case of this was the suicide of 15 year old Tovonna Holton (click link for the story http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/06/09/leak-of-nude-snapchat-drove-teen-girl-to-suicide.html). There are a few different stories circulating as to what lead to her death. But the strong factor remains that social media was involved…Snapchat. This is one of MANY social media outlets teens take to. I won’t dive into specifics about it, but I hope you do your research on it. I’m not going to speculate as to what happened, but the point is, is that a girl is now dead at the doing of her own hands because of a nude photo that made its way to social media.

Young ladies, young ladies, I really want to address you because lately I’ve been seeing your “sisters” succumb to the devastating blows of cyberbullying. Please understand the importance of self-reservation. Your goodies are meant to be disclosed until (hopefully) marriage. You are invaluable and your worth is more than what society makes it to be. Have those difficult conversations with your parents. Yeah, they may not “get you” but still talk. That one conversation could potentially save your life!

Parents, we are NOT our children’s friends! We have been given a charge to take care of them and safeguard them. To groom them into respectable men and women of society. Of course we’re not going to protect them from everything; however, we can plant the seeds. We can do our best. Engage in those difficult conversations with your child. If need be, take the source of technology away when behavior doesn’t warrant such privileges. Be the parent. We need to do our part.

**Note, please understand that in some cases, parents do as much as they possibly can and the child still opts to commit suicide. I am in no way saying that those in that situation didn’t do all they possibly could do. However, I am in a position where my daughter was bullied and there were certain steps I took both at home and in her school that changed the situation. And I feel the need to share in the voice that’s already circulating about the importance of protecting our children.  If you have the ability to do more, please do.

*Source: Bullying Statistics. (2014). Anti-Bullying Help, Facts, and More. Retrieved from http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/cyber-bullying-statistics.html

A Woman's Worth...In the eyes of God

What does worth mean to you? What are you worth to you? Do you know? Have you ever even stopped to entertain that question? I mean, sure we have comments and opinions when we see other women subject themselves to sub par treatment of men. Or we turn our faces up in disgust when we see or read about women doing things and just acting all kinds of way for the sake of attention. But let’s turn the attention to ourselves. Mind if we step into the spotlight for a bit?

Here’s the thing, many women, myself included, actually hesitate and cringe a little when we ponder on the thoughts of our own worth. We can talk a good game and put on a good show, giving the “impression” that we’re worth everything and that we are a queen and should be treated as such. But are we really that queen? Are we really what we project ourselves to be? 

Because you see, no one hears and know those haunting thoughts in our minds, those inward conversations we have with ourselves that goes something like this, “Who would ever want me? I’ve been used up by everybody.” Or “Please don’t let this be the case again…where he just gets up and leave.” Or “I’m worthless. I mean look at me…I’m thirty something and still single!” Or “Who could ever want me, single with kids?” Or “If they ever found out all my mess, no one would ever want me.” And it doesn’t stop there. That thinking usually shows up in what we attract and the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Degradation. Disrespect. Ill treatment.  Sound familiar? I’m sure we can all relate to something.

Our thoughts of ourselves are the most powerful above anybody else’s. How we see ourselves and how we think of ourselves gives off vibes. We tend to attract what we give off. I will use myself as an example (the best example). 

On the outside, I walked with my head held high and was “seemingly” well put together. On the inside though, I was barely able to crawl. I projected something that was so far from the truth. Especially around men, I gave off an impression that I knew what I was worth and Miss Independent.  

But here’s the catch, I always wondered why I attracted a certain type of man (pause! the law of attraction is true y’all. You attract what you give off. A good hunter always recognizes a weak prey, remember that). The kind who didn’t mind tipping out on his wife. The kind who just wanted a night of fun and then be off. The kind who would wine and dine only for the sole objective of getting what they wanted. I truly thought I was running the show. Oh how I lied to myself. Over and over again. I lived this lie for years. I handed my heart to whomever paid attention to me. But even after a while, that wasn’t enough. I desperately pursued men to validate my worth.  

The truth is I had no clue what I was worth. As a human. As a woman. And especially as a daughter of God.  It was years before I allowed God to heal me and restore my thinking and the way I saw myself, through His perspective and not mine.

Ladies, we are treasures to God! But in order to know that, we must confront the lies we’ve either told ourselves or the ones we’ve accepted from others. Our worth is NOT wrapped up in a relationship with a man. It is NOT displayed in how well we dress. Or how much make-up we wear. A home. Nice car. Great job. I can go on but I think you get my drift. Not even being married and having children validate our worth. Our worth is in who God is. Our worth comes from not conforming to the standards of this world, but renewing our minds and learning who God created us to be (Romans 12:2). A woman’s worth in the eyes of God comes not only by entering into a relationship with Christ, but allowing His words to saturate our brokenness. We are God’s masterpiece, His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10).

I won’t lie, it takes a great deal of cooperation with the Holy Spirit and ourselves to transform the way we see ourselves. We are invaluable. We are worth so much that God was willing to sacrifice His only begotten Son for our sake (John 3:16).

I want to encourage you today to begin to look with different lenses at how and what you measure your worth. Search the heart of God for the answers. Begin to develop healthy habits and conversations with yourself about how you view yourself. Learn who you are. Determine today that your worth is not worth compromising, at any cost! Blessings! J

Through Different Lenses...

“I wish y’all dads were here…” is what she mumbled under her breath. Those 6 words penetrated me heart like a hot, sharp knife. In that instance, I realized I had been convicted by God’s correction.

Godly conviction is the work of the Holy Spirit. Through the Holy Spirit, the person is shown his or her true self: guilty, defiled, and totally unable to save themselves (definition taken from Christian Apologetics & Research Ministry). The feeling isn’t a condemning feeling; however, it is a heavy one. Picture it this way, have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and was like “ugh…I look a mess!” Well, that’s what godly conviction does for us. The Holy Spirit reveals to us the mess inside, the places we can’t see.

So why am I going on a spill about godly conviction? Glad you asked, I’ll explain.

I was at the library deep into one of two exams for college. My brain was already half mush but I knew I had to press on. As I’m getting into the groove of the test, this young lady and I believe 2 to 3 children, came and sat next to me. The oldest child had to be around 4 years old. The minute she sat, her little ones started making all kinds of noises. I mean screaming, yelping, and…just noisy. I puffed a few times under my breath, giving her and the kids a bit of a side-eye.

One minute she’d tell the kids to stop, sit down, and be quiet. The next, she just let them run rampant around the computer lab. A librarian called from her desk telling the young woman that she needed to quiet her children down. The young lady calmly responded, “Okay, I’m sorry.” I guess she didn’t see her little one crawl under the table and shut her computer down. The young woman breathed in heavily, snatched her kids and whisked off to the bathroom. I breathed with a sigh of relief cause I thought surely they were gone...now I can have some peace and quiet. I sent a text to my husband expressing my frustration over the woman and her noisy kids. As soon as I hit send, she returned to the same spot…with her children.

I tried tuning them by putting my headphones in. Nothing worked. Those children were loud. Finally, another librarian said, “Ma’am, it’s not fair to the computer lab and the whole library that your children are so noisy. If you can’t quiet them down, then you will have to leave.” The words she said next started the process of searing my heart. She said, “I’m sorry sir. I am trying to complete this application for a job and I really need to finish it. I’m almost done. I am so sorry.” She then turned to me and said, “I’m sorry” with a hurtful smile. That’s when I heard her mumble “I wish y’all dads were here.” I’m pretty sure only I heard it because she said it so low.

Guilt seeped through my pores! I asked the young woman if she wanted me to take her children walking while she completed her application. I explained that I didn’t want her to get kicked out before she got a chance to finish it. She looked up, smiled, and said it was okay but she was just finishing up.

I walked out of that library with my face in my hands. Not only had I passed judgment on this woman for being careless and inconsiderate bringing her children to the library, but I completely misinterpreted what I saw. Through the lenses of my carnality, I allowed myself to view this woman as I’m sure other people in the library did. And that’s why God’s conviction was so strong.

You see, when we choose to step back, and look through the lenses of the Holy Spirit rather than our own, we tend to see things from a different perspective. Instead of a woman just dragging her children into the library to get on social media, I should have seen a woman who was trying. A woman who may have been broken and trying to mend those pieces back together.  A woman who, instead of getting the side-eye, could have used some encouragement or a comforting word.

God takes His commands seriously and when we choose to disobey them, He sends His conviction. Psalm 82:3 says, “Give justice to the poor and the orphan; uphold the rights of the oppressed and the destitute” (New Living Translation). I don’t know this woman’s marital status, but she was in need at the moment and I failed to act when the opportunity was presented.

As Christians, we are not exempt from correction. As a matter of fact, because we’ve been made alive in Christ, we ought to be even more aware of when we’re doing wrong. But should the time come when we get beside ourselves (as I did), God has a stern, but loving way of reeling us back in and making us face our wrongs. I hope this message encourages you to allow the Holy Spirit to help you look through different lenses as you observe those around you. You never know when someone may need your help or encouraging word. Blessings!

 “As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as His own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as He does all His children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really His children at all. For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in His holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening---it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained this way” (Hebrews 12:7-8, 10-11, New Living Translation).

Without Sight...

You know, for so long I acted and lived in pretense...projecting to people that I had it all together but really I didn't. I was quick to put on a smile (well still do cause that's my nature) when I really wanted to scream and ball my eyes out. But I've come to a place, though still  uncomfortable at times, where I've learned to accept that it's okay not to always be okay. No I'm not going to look like my world is falling apart...but I can be truthful in my feelings. Truthful in where I am in the moment. This is one of those times.

I'm sitting at the park overlooking a river. This time of day seems to really showcase nature's beauty. The water casually glides by while its reflection shimmers off of the leaves on the border. Birds hide out up in the trees chirping melodic tunes to each other. In my deep, troubled contemplation, I can't help but feel the peace of God. I know, weird right? I mean especially with everything going on in my life. Everything contrary to peace. But I feel it.

Though I feel it, I can't help but to entertain a little bit the questions flowing through my mind...kinda like this river flowing in front of me. "What are You trying to tell me, God?" "Teach me?" "Show me?" As I continue to sit, His random words come to my mind..."my grace is sufficient for you"(2 Corinthians 12:9) "You will keep in perfect peace those whose mind is steadfast on You"(Isaiah 26:3)...but I want to be mad. I want to be fed up. I want to be over this already. Then a truth hits me...this all serves a purpose.

Because I believe I was created for more than just to take up space, I believe that this uncomfortable moment I'm in is to serve a purpose. "And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

No I'm not making my situation super spiritual, but I am addressing a reality. And that reality is no one is exempt from life. As long as we live, life will happen. It will serve up pleasures, disasters and heartaches. And in the midst of it all...we have a choice. Whether to let life sucker punch us, knock us down and keep us down, or to know that this is something God has made beautiful in its timing and that He won't allow this suffering to go to waste.

So in all my crazy thinking, I'm going to choose the latter. Because I've been through too much in my life already to not believe that God isn't for me. He's proved Himself time and time again who He is...even when He didn't have to do that. So I'm going to continue to push forward and through...allowing my faith be the guide and not my eyes...in this will I be confident...

#WalkByFaithNotBySight #PushForward #Authenticallyspoken #AuthenticallyMe #ThisIsMeNow

You Are Wonderfully Created!

I remember growing up, I wanted to be like every pretty girl I saw. I thought in order to have friends and "be somebody" I had to have the long, pretty hair. Right shape. Perfect skin. The latest fashions. And the right amount of guys talking to me. But in my ignorance, I got bullied, hurt, used, let down and was plain miserable.

Some of the ways I went and decisions I made lead me deeper in mess. I'd cry my eyes out because everyone seemed to reject me. I started to hate myself. I felt like God made a couple mistakes in my creation. Like maybe if He had've made me someone else with some other looks, then I'd be okay. All that type of thinking did was worsen my misery.

It took many painful years to realize that I was meant to be different. All the quirkiness and such was exactly what His recipe called for. The experiences I encountered were necessary for the perfect blend needed to accomplish God's will.

I say all that to say this to you...Princess...to you Queen. Be and live in all the fabulousness you were made for. There is something one of a kind special in you and me. Live like you know it, love it, and own it!

#Authenticallyspoken #AuthenticallyMe #BeYOUtiful

It's More Than You Think

Photo Credit: Jennie Allen

Many of us (myself included) have slapped on or do slap on the title "Christian" without fully understanding the true depths of the meaning. We clothe ourselves just right, get the "Churchanese" down just right, cry and shout on queue, and present ourselves as just the most arrived saint there is. However, on the inside we are filthy and rotting. We've learned how to live in pretense...totally disregarding the command of God, "Be ye holy, for I am holy" (1 Peter 1:16). We ostracize, criticize, and turn our noses up at those who don't look like us. The very ones Jesus commanded we go out after and reach are the very ones we tear to shreds.

Being holy isn't just about an outward appearance or experience. It isn't who can pray the longest, hardest, and most eloquent. It isn't who can quote the most scriptures. Being holy means we capture and live out the very essence of who God is in EVERY area of our lives both externally and internally.

Fruit just doesn't appear. It starts from the manifestation of the root deep within the earth. What comes forth is the result of that root. God called us to live separate lives unto Him. He called us to reach the lost. He called us to be authentic in the fruit of the Spirit. Living for Christ is not a show, game, or just something to throw around. Living for Christ means we have surrendered ourselves to the command of being holy.

#HolinessIsMoreThanAnAppearance #HolinessIsALifestyle #ChristFollower