Last night as I was scrolled through Facebook, I came across a profile of someone I once befriended. She would never admit it, but I could tell she was starved for attention and validation. Posting pics of herself half nude and making obscene comments...it was all a part of her formula to reel in the comments and like buttons. The saddest part of it all, she has kids. According to some of the statuses, her kids took the pictures...Now before you go off the deep end, I'm not passing judgment on this woman. My observations of her actions actually lead me to tap into a memory of my own.
For many years, I struggled with who I was. I strongly disliked almost everything about me, my background, my family, etc. I used to retreat to somewhere quiet and I'd daydream and imagine for hours. What would it be like to be someone else? That was my main thought but of course after some time I'd have to come back down to reality.
As I got older, I came to learn the power of "reinvention." I saw my peers take on this whole different persona. But it wasn't for entertainment...it was to fit in, be accepted, gain attention or whatever the deficit served up at the time. The more outgoing this new personality was, the more people dove deeper into it. When I saw it worked for them, soon after I figured, "hey, then it has to work for me!" And I jumped all in.
At first, my "alter egos" worked well for me. They got maximum attention from men and I gained popularity. All of which I didn't have as a child growing up. This was the time of my life...never having to allow people access my past and the real me. For years I lived this fake life. I found too, the more belligerent I became, the more outspoken, outrageous, wild, and derailed...the more attention I drew. This is what I thrived off of. Even after giving birth to my oldest daughter in 2000, I didn't slow down. I was obsessed and addicted to wanting and needing to be somebody other than me. I worked hard at it and got better. This façade lasted almost my entire adult life. I began to distort fake from reality.
My "imaginary" world started crumbling down a few years ago. An incident that sent my life spiraling out of control caught my attention. I was hooked like a fish...but instead of wiggling off the hook, I allowed it to sink deeper in. I think by this point, I had gotten tired of playing and trying to keep up with it all.
It wasn't until I met my (now) husband and rededicated my life to Christ, that I received full deliverance and healing. I hid behind masks because I didn't know nor like who I was. I felt if I could become someone I wasn't, that maybe I'd be accepted. Which I was. But when I looked back at the ones who accepted me, they were just like me...in hiding, tore up and in denial!
So mask free, drama free, and actor free...I can say with confidence that I appreciate who I am. Once I allowed God to shine His light throughout my life, I realized I was denying who I was meant to be and comparing myself to and trying to live according to standards of this world. How I should act, think, look, be, etc...it all came from the world's view and not God's. Though sometimes these old ways revisit me, I've come to know who Lucrecia is. And I appreciate her. It's okay to be confident and sure of who you are, but if you have to compromise your dignity, character, value and worth doing so...then maybe you don't quite know after all.
***A note to those who may read this, have children and say "Whatever, I'm gonna do me regardless...I'm grown!" Please be advised, children will follow almost exactly in your footsteps. What you portray in front of them, it is almost surely to repeat itself in their own lives. Don't risk the outcome of their future because you just "trying to do you!"
Romans 12:2 (NLT) Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Galatians 6:4 (NLT) "Each of you must examine your own actions. Then you can be proud of your own accomplishments without comparing yourselves to others."
2 Corinthians 10:12 (NLT) Oh, don't worry; we wouldn't dare say that we are as wonderful as these other men who tell you how important they are! But they are only comparing themselves with each other, using themselves as the standard of measurement. How ignorant!"
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