The Side Chick...

I’ve honestly been wrestling with this topic. I’ve gone back and forth for a few months now. But a recent conversation I had with one of my girlfriends pretty much made it apparent that this topic needed to be discussed.

So before I dive in, let me give a brief explanation, background, definition of what the title of my blog means for those who may not know. A side chick is not the main female in a relationship, but rather, she has chosen to take up residence on the outside of a relationship. She, in her decisions, has chosen to settle as second best, readily available goodies, a side piece. She has lowered her standards at all costs for the justification of the thrill, attention, love and affection, or whatever her motivation. She is also what is sometimes referred to as a “homewrecker.”

Hebrews 13:4 (NLT) Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

How do I know this? Because “she” was once me. I was the one settling as second best. I was the side chick in my own relationships as well as in other relationships. It was the thrill, at first, that kept me doing what I did. I knew how to get in good enough to have my way with the gentleman of the “hour.” I thought I was slick because no one knew what I was doing. My facade game was pretty impressive. My best foot was always forward and I made sure to cover every step. Even having encountered a few close calls, that didn’t stop me.

Over and over I chose to violate other relationships, even as my own was being violated by outsiders. This repetitious cycle was perpetuated by my malicious behavior. But why? Why was the question. Why was the question I even asked myself many times. I felt ashamed, disgusting, and good for nothing. But along with those feelings, I also felt that what I was doing could be justified. And as long as I had a justification, I kept at it. But after a while, I became too comfortable in my sin…so comfortable until I became numb. However, in my comfort, what I thought I had total control over, I realized in that moment I had lost all grips of control and things went south QUICK.

From one single incident, I triggered a deep depression within myself. I almost lost everything at the expense of my foolishness and flesh. By this time, I had enrolled myself into a mental facility because I could no longer take the fact that I was no longer in control and my hand had been exposed. My time was up and somebody was calling my bluff. And aside from that, it was very obvious that I needed help!

Even after having gone to counseling and therapy, I realized there was something deeper inside me that was wrong. It just wasn’t right. Why had I made myself okay with indulging my lustful desires with someone who didn’t belong to me? Why had it become so easy for me to do that? Where did all of this come from? These were a few of many questions I asked myself. I became physically sick on several occasions as a result of my mess. And it was in this moment of my life that I realized that this was beyond human assistance. I needed God’s intervention. Because what I was doing, I wasn’t going to be able to stop on my own. It literally took God to break me down to nothing in order to tear away all of the facades, masks, pretense, and layers of filth I had cocooned myself in. I thought I was going to lose it when I was faced with all of the pain I had caused. But God…His grace was and is truly sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

“He found me in my mess…” ---Uncle Reese (Christian Recording Artist)

Through the rededication of my life to Christ, counseling, transparency, vulnerability, accountability, and integrity I was delivered. I was healed, restored, and made whole into the woman God created me to be. Why did I choose to share this? Certainly not because I want the whole world reading and knowing my business. But because I know there are so many women out there who place themselves in positions to be used up to nothing by men.

We can’t necessarily fault the men when we say “why won’t men treat me right?” or “I’m never going to find the right one” or whatever the case. However, we MUST understand that WE hold the keys! Yes, ladies, I’ll say that again, WE hold the keys! When we give men the keys, you best believe he’s going to crank the car up and drive it honey! Even in a committed relationship, some, not all, men will NOT pass up a piece of cookie.

For the most part, we get what we put out. We set the standards to how we get treated by men. When we don’t understand who we are and whose we are, we make ourselves susceptible to any type of treatment. We may think it’s okay at first to be that side chick because it’s fun, the thrill is exciting, we think we bad and got it like that…but after a while all that stuff weighs on you. It’s not worth it sis! It’s just not worth it. Get your own man. If you can’t get one right now, then spend time with God. Allow Him to fill the void and heal the tattered pieces of your soul.

As I was going through counseling and seeking God, I discovered I was hurting. Even though I projected an independent woman persona, I was weak and broken. I had several unresolved issues from my childhood and a lot of narratives I had taken on from other people and even myself. Now please hear me, I’m not BLAMING my childhood or anyone for my actions because at the end of the day the decisions were all mine. However, in learning these things helped me to open myself up more to God and counselors in these areas. And how did I do that? Well I think that will have to be saved for another blog post.

            I truly hope you who may be reading this got something out of it. We may see songs or posts on social media about men having their side pieces and the woman or women sitting there smiling and profiling like she’s the best. But please understand that being the side piece is not cute nor does it demonstrate that she has a good sense of her worth and value.

We are God’s daughters. There were no mistakes when He created us. We each hold inside of us the intricate beauty of our Father and the purpose of our existence. When we make that discovery, our desires should be to safeguard it with everything we got. To stand our ground in purity of our OWN relationship or while we’re waiting.

I want to encourage you sisters with this scripture that reassures me every single time I start to doubt or have trouble believing…

1 Timothy 1:15-17 (NLT) This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of His great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in Him and receive eternal life. All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen One who never dies; He alone is God. Amen.”

Hide & Seek or The Pretender? Which One?

Photo Credit: Rand Eastwood

Remember the game hide & seek? I sure do! Loved it! A bunch of us kids would gather around and determine who was going to be “it.” The person who was it had to count while everybody else hid. Once the person finished counting and ran around and found someone, that person would now become it. Get the concept? Or what about playing “pretend.” I used to love playing that game with my sister. We’d gather up all of our dolls, well the still functioning, put together ones, and we’d pretend. We would pretend we were princesses, moms, teachers, whatever we wanted to be. Through those dolls, we acted out or little imaginations.

So fast forward to today. Ladies, what’s going on? We’re all grown up now. Why are we still playing hide & seek, but instead of seeking out anybody, we’re just plain ol’ hiding. Hiding behind the make-up. Hiding behind money, food, sex, relationship, and even church. We have failed at the concept of hide & seek and mastered the art of “fakery.” And what about the pretending? We’ve gone from our dolls acting out our dreams and imaginations to us living in a made up world, or somebody else’s altogether. We pretend we got our stuff together. We pretend that we are well-put together, better than the next one, and so on and so on. We do this by trying to always stay one step ahead of the game by always putting our best foot forward. In our blurred and misconstrued views of what it means to live authentically, we’ve lost touch with who we really are…by living as hypocrites.

The origin of the word hypocrite comes from the Greek word “hypokrites.” It meant actor or stage player. This person played the roles of multiple characters.  As time went on, hypocrite became associated with anyone who said one thing and did/lived another. But here’s what happens when we become the hypocrite. Well for one, we can’t be trusted and neither can our words and actions. And we hurt ourselves. We do more of a disservice to ourselves when we choose to hide behind pain, sin, church, relationships, unhealthy habits/addictions, etc.

Sisters, come close as I tell you and me this. This life was crafted out for one only…YOU and ME. Though it’s nothing wrong with taking tips and advice from others, it becomes a problem when we start to live out and act out another person’s life. In Holley Gerth’s book, “You’re Already Amazing” she says “God creates each of us to be uniquely who we are---just like each part of the body is unique. We don’t need more than one of a given body part. Nor would we want more than one.” She also says, “You’re not only amazing. You’re enough. You’re beautiful. You’re wanted. You’re chosen. You’re called. You’ve got what it takes…not just to survive but to change the world.” 

Did you catch that girlfriend? We are not prototypes. We weren’t made to be copied. We are unique. We are one of a kind. We are God’s masterpiece, created by His very own hands to go out into the world and change it. So let’s do that. Put aside the childish games and the hypocrite’s role and let’s live beautifully like the women we were created to be! Blessings!

{This graphic I made just for YOU because you're #BeYOUtiful}

1 Corinthians 13:11 (NLT) When I was a child, I spoke and though and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.

Ephesians 2:10 (NLT) For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.

Distractions!

Distract- 1. to cause (someone) to stop thinking about or paying attention to someone or something and to think about or pay attention to someone or something else instead. 2. To take (attention) away from someone or something.

I am almost positive that my attention span is along the length of a five-year old’s. I can be set and focused on something and bam, just like that, I’m looking at something else or fiddling with something else! And when it comes to my phone..see how my thumb is set up, it has a mind of its own y’all. It really does. I’ll wake up first thing in the morning, take a few minutes to get my mind right, and get ready to get out of my bed to go have my quiet time with God. But if I forgot to turn off ALL social media apps the night before and I see those little red notifications just waiting to be opened, my thumb starts doing its own thing. The distraction is not my fault. Okay, maybe it is to a degree. Okay, okay, it is my fault.

But of course when I thought about how easily it is for me to become distracted, I also had this thought, distractions serve one purpose: TO KNOCK YOU, ME, US OFF COURSE! When we choose to take our focus off of what we’re doing or how we’re living and peak into the lives of others, we make room for couple of things to take place. I’m sure there’s more, but I’ll focus on two for now.

 1. Discouragement~ We look at that chick that has the body from the gods and the hair and face to match. Then we look down at our reality…that little pooch that gently rounds our waists. Our hair that is overdue for a professional touch. And those ever so stubborn breakouts on our face. Almost instantly, the thoughts come in, “Dang, I wish I could look like that!” Or “If I could only get rid of _______ (fill in the blank) I’ll be good.” Or “Must be nice to have kids and still look like that!” And the thoughts keep flooding in.

 2. Disappointment~ We look at social media at the accomplishments of others and then think over our lives and wonder why we aren’t as far as that person or as far as we should be.

Psalm 1:1(NKJV) says, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful.” I’m not saying all of who we see are sinful, ungodly, or scornful. But what I am saying is that when we take our eyes off of our own path and set them onto someone else’s, we open the door to disappointment and discouragement.

#AuthenticMoment: When there’s no discipline and focus, distractions grow in strength and power.

The second & third verses of that same chapter (Psalm 1:2) says, “But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper.”

I understand from time to time our attention will get diverted to something or someone else. However, we have to be intentional not to allow those distractions dictate how we carry on in our own lives. God created every woman unique in her own way and right. We are gifted in so many things and areas. But when we open the door to distraction, we shut out and dull our potential. So girlfriend, turn off the apps, quit sulking over the extra “love” around your waist, slap on a weave, extensions, or what suits you, and keep moving in the uniqueness of your destiny.

#BeYOUtiful #AuthenticallySpoken #AuthenticallyMe #Unapologetic

(Definition source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 2016).

What we feed the most is what will grow!

Love The Skin You're In!

Photo Credit: Amazon Fashion Europe

Last week, I sat in the tub soaking in a good dose of Epsom Salt. If my muscles could talk, mine would scream out “Thank you Thank you Thank you!” (cheers to Epsom Salt and my personal trainer). But as I soaked and massaged my aching muscles, I kind of skimmed over my body. Then I really began to examine my body. The contours and scars. The spider veins making their appearance (and apparently their home) on my thighs. The stretched skin and light brown stretch marks to match. I began massaging my wide feet to ease the burn from my workout. As I rubbed my aching muscles, I started to reflect back to how much I used to hate my body. Parts of my body, I hated from childhood but as I got older and started having children, I found more things to hate about my evolving body. I didn’t like the way it was changing its shape and elasticity. And of course, it didn’t help that every time I turned around, the media or magazines always showcased their most statuesque, seemingly perfect bodies.

Image Source: Instagram User: Loveyourlines

Ladies, I know many of you reading this, as a matter of fact, AS you’re reading this, can ramble off in one breath the number of things you don’t like about your body. But here’s the reality, one that took me a long time to realize (and is still taking some time) …we all come in various sizes, shapes, colors, and features. From before the time we are created in our mother’s wombs, God has already etched every characteristic onto our DNA. Whether that be stretch marks, large birth marks, balding hair, acne, or whatever the case…it was all there from before the beginning of our existence! Psalm 139:13 says “You created every part of me; You put me together in my mother’s womb.” Everything that we were meant to be and how we were meant to look and the features that were meant to come through, were all done before being formed in our mother’s womb.

Now trust me, I truly understand the sometimes desperate need to rid ourselves of some of these unappealing things. I mean, I can list off a whole lot of things I’d like to get rid of RIGHT NOW…I digress…But here’s the thing sisters…Half of what we see displayed in front of us in the media or on magazines is not real. Let me say that again, in all caps…IT’S NOT REAL! Okay, let me dismiss the ones who say I’m hating because I’m not. But let’s keep it 100%...there are some women who were blessed by God with incredible genes and barely need any alterations to their image and I applaud you (well, while giving just a little bit of side eye). But then there are the REAL bodies. You know, the ones that bear evidence of some wars. Bellies that bear witness that lives were carried. Bodies that display the faint and sometimes not so faint trails of stretch marks, that sometimes vary from tiger claws to spider webs. That extra “love” right under the bra strap that tells on us that we shouldn’t have eaten that extra cupcake. Or the checkered skin that looks like artwork but is the result of vitiligo.

I can go on and on. But ladies, sisters, please hear me out. Every single one of us can point out several “imperfections” as we call them. However, when we learn that we were created this way on purpose or that the way we look serves a purpose, we learn to embrace our scars, marks, and everything else. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.” We were intentionally created in certain ways for certain purposes. When we look outside of that truth and start measuring ourselves with other women, not only do we make ourselves even more miserable, but we begin to discredit God for His mighty works.

Now, please, hear me out…I’m not saying that I have it altogether. Because as I mentioned earlier in my blog, there are still things that I wrestle with. My “love” around my waist can stand some trimming. However, I am learning with every moment God gives me, to love all of my “love” and to embrace every imperfect part of me and to realize I am enough…MORE THAN ENOUGH. And in knowing this, this is a part of what gives me confidence and what makes me attractive…oh and I have an amazing husband who loves ALL of me!

Sisters, none of us will ever be 100% satisfied with the way we look. But I want to encourage you and even challenge you to look at yourselves differently. Whether you catch a glimpse of yourself walking past your mirror or you’re in the tub or shower, look at those things that are deemed “ugly” or “imperfect” by yours or society’s standards and say “I love you, every part of you. Every part serves a purpose and I’m going to embrace that!” Girlfriend, say it because you are worth it. You are #BeYOUtiful! Own it and be #Unapologetic about it! Blessings ladies!

Photo Credit: Peter Yang

Our Happy, Sweet Spot!

Photo credit: Jennifer Dukes Lee

#AuthenticMoment...growing up, I thought I was weird. Aside from the nasty names I was called and the abuse I suffered from, I thought I was different. I realized I wasn't like the other kids around me. I thought differently. My happiness wasn't found in typical things. One of my "happy places" was high up in a dogwood tree daydreaming for hours. Or at the dining room table drawing or writing for hours. I got lost in those worlds.

💫As I grew up, I tried to mask those quirky things about me and follow the status quo. I got money. I got men and attention from men. I got attention, period. I got nice things. But I still wasn't happy. It wasn't until I started tapping back into those forgotten places deep within me that I started to become happy again. The joy bubbled over...not just because I had found my "sweet spot" again, but because I acknowledged the One who gifted me with those sweet spots...God.

💫So now, I write or sometimes draw. I don't climb trees anymore but I find that quiet place of solitude and allow my God given gift of imagination and creativity to run wild.

💫Sisters, each of us are incredibly unique. We all have our own sweet spots to which we draw our happiness from. Allow God to help you retrace those steps back to the hidden places and bask in your God given gifts of happiness. Because you/we are #BeYOUtiful #AuthenticallyMe #Authenticallyspoken and should be #Unapologetic about every bit of it. Blessings today!!😘😍❤

The Power of Me Too!

A couple of nights ago, some girlfriends and I enjoyed a delicious home cooked meal and some long overdue chatter. We talked about everything, conversations intertwining, absolutely no conversation etiquette whatsoever. We cut each other off, everybody eager to get their two cents in. I’m sure you have those girlfriends that when you get together, you let your hair down and just be you. In those moments, you’re not concerned with how well kept you are. You’re not trying to outshine the other. You’re just there in the moment, soaking it all up. That’s just what we did. We laughed and laughed harder. We slapped each other high fives. We gasped. We went back and forth. A bunch of “ooh girrrrrlllll” remarks (you know, the reaction when something juicy is said). Every so often, one of my friends would talk and someone else would holler out, “girl, me too!”

In those two words, we all connected. There was a common ground that brought us closer together, allowing us to either fully receive or release something. It’s in those words “me too” where we give others the opportunity to free ourselves. “Me too” can act like a releasing agent. It can be the catalyst towards restoration and healing. Here’s how and why.

Many times when women come together, the first thing we do is scan other women. Though we may be cordial and actively engaged in conversation, we’re making sure to stay on the same tempo as everyone else. We try our best to maintain the upkeep of a well put together woman. Because that’s what all the other women around us are, so we think anyway. We maintain this image, as if we are the only ones hiding horrible secrets or embarrassing pasts. But it’s when a willing woman comes forth and starts to share her truth that we have the opportunity to share in it with her with “me too.”

I remember a time when I was among a group of women and we all took turns sharing our stories. We had to go deep. I remember my heart raced a thousand miles a second. My hands became clammy blocks of ice and my throat started to tighten. It was my turn. I knew I had been forgiven of my past but I still found myself ashamed to talk about it. So at first, I only talked about the stuff that wasn’t as harsh…how I lived in a dysfunctional environment, was verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abused. Though that was a relief to get out, that wasn’t all. I felt God pressing me to go deeper. Because what was deep was what was keeping me hostage and preventing any kind of healing from happening.

After a few minutes, I said that I had something else to say. Slowly, I started talking about how I had developed a sexual addiction at a very young age and it carried over into my adult years and how I was a cheater/adulterer. I could barely get the words out through deep heaves of sobs and snot was running everywhere. My head was pounding from the pressure of my heart pumping blood through my body. And I heard a “me too.” It was that response that allowed me to breathe and fully receive God’s healing and restoration. The woman who responded, she was healed and restored also!

My beautiful sister, please understand this. We all have skeletons in our closets. Some, God presses us to release, others go to the grave with us. The ones He presses us to release are the ones that are useful for another woman’s restoration process. Proverbs 31:8-9 says “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless and see that they get justice.” Some women are completely crippled from their pasts and are so bound down that they can’t even begin to bring themselves to confessing. That’s where we come in, especially when we feel the pressing of the Holy Spirit to share something from our own life. Revelation 12:11 says that we defeat the enemy by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony. It’s in the power of transparency that we give women the power in “me too.” When we choose to reveal our hurts, though we may not know the impact of our decision, we set the stage for other women to gain the courage and say “me too.”

Dear sisters, God loves us so much. He wants nothing more than for us to be made whole and healed. My hope and prayer is that you can come to a place that you are courageous enough to act on the pressing and give someone else the gift of “me too.” Blessings!!

She's not the Only One!

I distinctively remember being in the 7^th grade and being terribly awkward. I had just gotten braces, I was skinny (well, had an athletic physique, lol) and a “Jheri curl” yes y’all, ya girl had a Jheri curl! Amongst all of this, it certainly didn’t help that I was very poor. All of my clothing came from either a second-hand store, Family Dollar, or hand me downs from local churches or community organizations. I was picked on and taunted almost every day. But it was one day in particular, that put a final stamp on the way I saw myself.

It was in science class. The first thing I remember is how brutally cold it was! My goodness, my teacher kept the thermostat on “the Arctic!” We sat in desks grouped in four. Across from me was one of the most popular girls in school. She sat, laughing and popping her gum (that she wasn’t supposed to have) as the teacher gave instructions for an assignment we were to do. Though we were grouped, we had to work individually (how did the teacher expect us to do that sitting right next to each other?!) So as I was working, I heard a “psst” sound. I looked up, it was the popular girl. She asked if I could help her out (cheat) with her assignment. Reluctant at first, I had a quick conversation in my mind. “Oh my goodness, she’s talking to me! She’s asking ME to help her with her work! I can’t just tell her no. Maybe this is an opportunity for us to become friends.” So I decided to slip her a sheet of paper with my answers on it. Being the nerd that I was, I knew the answers were correct and smiled as I handed her the paper. She said thanks and that I was “da bomb” (team 90’s). Of course, I was on cloud nine by then. The very next day, my cloud was shot right from up under me.

As I walked down the walkway to get to class, I saw the girl and a group of her friends standing around talking and laughing. As I approached, I smiled and was getting ready to stop and speak to her. Before I could, she shifted her weight to one leg, sucked her teeth, and with a look of disgust on her face said, “Um, Lucrecia, didn’t you just wear that outfit on Monday? Today is Wednesday! Don’t you have other clothes to wear? What, you poor?” Laughter erupted from her and her friends. Just like that. My face burned with humiliation as I sped past them and into the bathroom. I cried so hard, eventually lying to the teacher to allow me to go to the office and call my mom to come get me because I was “sick.” That day totaled me.

I carried those harsh words with me for a very long time. Every time I saw a girl who had it all, or at least seemed to, I wouldn’t approach her but always wonder, “What is it that she has that I don’t?” “Why can’t I get that kind of attention?” Why don’t boys flock around me like that?” I had learned to measure my worth by the standards and opinions of other people. Because I already had the seeds planted in me that I was ugly and stupid (from my mother), the rejection I encountered at school only watered those seeds. The only way I knew to gain any acceptance was to sleep around with boys.

After I lost my virginity at the age of 15, my life started spiraling down. Not only was I keeping a dark secret from my mother, but I was learning how to live a double life. I had settled in my mind that “she” (the popular girls) wouldn’t be the only ones calling shots. And I did just that, so I thought.

Truth is, I deeply wounded my heart and soul with all of that “shot calling.” My mind was warped because of what I had been told growing up and by the opinions and treatment of others. This all became my normal, my truth. I grew into a broken woman trying to live a well put together life. I had a baby out of wedlock, called myself marrying her father, broke my marriage vows multiple times, submitted myself to more verbal and mental abuse, a nasty divorce, and the list went on.

Up until about 6 years ago, my life was a train wreck. I had no idea how to even think about climbing out of that deep hole. But what I didn’t know was God was walking alongside me the entire time. Because He already knew everything that would take place in my life, nothing that happened came as a surprise to Him. Through divine strategy, He orchestrated my steps back to Him. Through the love and compassion of His word and even correction, He showed me that the measure with which I used to evaluate and validate my worth was harshly distorted.

Now as an adult, healed and restored by God, what I got from that experience was the girl who bullied me throughout middle and high school, she wasn’t the only one. She’s NOT the Only One! There is Only One who truly validates my worth and that’s God! He created me to be His masterpiece, His exquisite work of art (Ephesians 2:10). It is through His restoration that I learned to love myself and all of my intricate parts and quirks because this is who and how He made me to be (Psalm 139). I had to learn to transform the way I thought about myself and the reason for my existence here on earth (Romans 12:2). I had to learn to love me first.

Dear precious woman…please understand that you are not validated by the opinions, criticisms, rejections, and judgments of others. Our standard of measuring and comparing is to be that from God, not other people (2 Corinthians 10:12). Because the truth is, we are ALL flawed, even when some try hard to conceal it with superficial elements. If you haven’t already, make up your mind today that you will search for your value and worth in the words of God. It’s not an overnight process, however, it’s not impossible either. For what it’s worth, you are #BeYOUtiful! Blessings!

#AuthenticallySpoken #AuthenticallyMe