I distinctively
remember being in the 7th grade and being terribly awkward. I had
just gotten braces, I was skinny (well, had an athletic physique, lol) and a “Jheri
curl” yes y’all, ya girl had a Jheri curl! Amongst all of this, it certainly
didn’t help that I was very poor. All of my clothing came from either a
second-hand store, Family Dollar, or hand me downs from local churches or
community organizations. I was picked on and taunted almost every day. But it
was one day in particular, that put a final stamp on the way I saw myself.
It was in
science class. The first thing I remember is how brutally cold it was! My
goodness, my teacher kept the thermostat on “the Arctic!” We sat in desks
grouped in four. Across from me was one of the most popular girls in school.
She sat, laughing and popping her gum (that she wasn’t supposed to have) as the
teacher gave instructions for an assignment we were to do. Though we were
grouped, we had to work individually (how did the teacher expect us to do that
sitting right next to each other?!) So as I was working, I heard a “psst”
sound. I looked up, it was the popular girl. She asked if I could help her out
(cheat) with her assignment. Reluctant at first, I had a quick conversation in
my mind. “Oh
my goodness, she’s talking to me! She’s asking ME to help her with her work! I
can’t just tell her no. Maybe this is an opportunity for us to become friends.” So I decided to slip her a sheet of paper with my
answers on it. Being the nerd that I was, I knew the answers were correct and
smiled as I handed her the paper. She said thanks and that I was “da bomb”
(team 90’s). Of course, I was on cloud nine by then. The very next day, my
cloud was shot right from up under me.
As I walked
down the walkway to get to class, I saw the girl and a group of her friends
standing around talking and laughing. As I approached, I smiled and was getting
ready to stop and speak to her. Before I could, she shifted her weight to one leg,
sucked her teeth, and with a look of disgust on her face said, “Um, Lucrecia,
didn’t you just wear that outfit on Monday? Today is Wednesday! Don’t you have
other clothes to wear? What, you poor?” Laughter
erupted from her and her friends. Just like that. My face burned with
humiliation as I sped past them and into the bathroom. I cried so hard,
eventually lying to the teacher to allow me to go to the office and call my mom
to come get me because I was “sick.” That day totaled me.
I carried those
harsh words with me for a very long time. Every time I saw a girl who had it
all, or at least seemed to, I wouldn’t approach her but always wonder, “What is it that
she has that I don’t?” “Why can’t I get that kind of attention?” Why don’t boys
flock around me like that?” I had
learned to measure my worth by the standards and opinions of other people. Because
I already had the seeds planted in me that I was ugly and stupid (from my
mother), the rejection I encountered at school only watered those seeds. The
only way I knew to gain any acceptance was to sleep around with boys.
After I lost my
virginity at the age of 15, my life started spiraling down. Not only was I
keeping a dark secret from my mother, but I was learning how to live a double
life. I had settled in my mind that “she” (the popular girls) wouldn’t be the
only ones calling shots. And I did just that, so I thought.
Truth is, I
deeply wounded my heart and soul with all of that “shot calling.” My mind was
warped because of what I had been told growing up and by the opinions and
treatment of others. This all became my normal, my truth. I grew into a broken
woman trying to live a well put together life. I had a baby out of wedlock,
called myself marrying her father, broke my marriage vows multiple times,
submitted myself to more verbal and mental abuse, a nasty divorce, and the list
went on.
Up until about
6 years ago, my life was a train wreck. I had no idea how to even think about
climbing out of that deep hole. But what I didn’t know was God was walking
alongside me the entire time. Because He already knew everything that would
take place in my life, nothing that happened came as a surprise to Him. Through
divine strategy, He orchestrated my steps back to Him. Through the love and
compassion of His word and even correction, He showed me that the measure with
which I used to evaluate and validate my worth was harshly distorted.
Now as an
adult, healed and restored by God, what I got from that experience was the girl
who bullied me throughout middle and high school, she wasn’t the only one. She’s
NOT the Only One! There is Only One
who truly validates my worth and that’s God! He created me to be His
masterpiece, His exquisite work of art (Ephesians
2:10). It is through His restoration that I learned to love myself and
all of my intricate parts and quirks because this is who and how He made me to
be (Psalm 139). I had to learn to transform
the way I thought about myself and the reason for my existence here on earth (Romans 12:2). I had to learn to love me first.
Dear precious
woman…please understand that you are not validated by the opinions, criticisms,
rejections, and judgments of others. Our standard of measuring and comparing is
to be that from God, not other people (2 Corinthians 10:12). Because the truth
is, we are ALL flawed, even when
some try hard to conceal it with superficial elements. If you haven’t already,
make up your mind today that you will search for your value and worth in the
words of God. It’s not an overnight process, however, it’s not impossible
either. For what it’s worth, you are #BeYOUtiful! Blessings!
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